


just what i needed

by cupidsintern



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Developing Relationship, Emotional Baggage, First Kiss, I think? idk, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Miscommunication, man relationships r weird when ur gay so this is abt that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-05
Updated: 2021-01-05
Packaged: 2021-03-15 16:34:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28567017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cupidsintern/pseuds/cupidsintern
Summary: Love. See that was the hard part. Billy didn't know if it had been love. Because, in songs, in sonnets, love is like a butterfly, or a piece of chocolate, like a perfect storm or breathing underwater. But whatever Billy had found, it wasn't like that. It was a dying thing, nosedive since it started, made him feel sick, even if he tried to convince himself it would make him feel better.Maybe it was just because of the kisses.“Maybe.”Steve laughs.Billy turners, just a little pissed. “What’s funny, pretty boy?”Steve’s mouth twists, keeping the laugh in, “Just, you would know, if you did. So you probably didn’t.”“What do you mean ‘I would know’?” Billy sits up, pushes Steve’s arm like he’s gonna shove Steve out of his stupid poolside chair.“You just know, okay! You know when you love someone. You wouldn't say ‘maybe’.”
Relationships: Billy Hargrove/Steve Harrington
Comments: 22
Kudos: 129





	just what i needed

**Author's Note:**

  * For [jill_ian](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jill_ian/gifts).



“I feel like I’m talking too much.”

“Well, you’re not,” Billy fought a smile. It was stupid of Steve to think he could ever talk too much, Billy always wanted to listen. “Stop worrying.”

“I’ve been complaining about Nancy for like an hour. That was months ago.”

Billy just shrugged. 

“You should talk about something.”

“Like what?” Billy tipped his head back a little to down the rest of his beer- can number four? Five?

“I dunno man, have you ever had your heart broken into a million little pieces?”

Billy freezes up a little, feels like he has to break through ice just to shrug. Again. “You’re so dramatic.”   
“Okay,” Steve tilted his head, a semi-serious face. “If you had ever had your heart broken, you would get it-”

“Who said I haven't?”   
“So you have?-”

“Didn’t say that either.”

Steve gave a frustrated ‘argh,’ leaning back in his chair before saying. “Give me  _ something  _ here man. We’ve been friends for  _ ages  _ now and still-”

“Four months is not ages.” Four months, seventeen days. Not like anyone had been counting. Certainly not Billy. 

“Okay,” Steve laughed a little, exasperated. “Alright. Fine.” 

Silence for a bit. 

Billy thinks about the four months he’s been friends with Steve. How good of a guy Steve is. How forgiving. How, you know, stupid and funny and charming and good at picking products that make you wanna shove your whole face into his hair and breathe deeply through your nose.

Thinks how they're actually pretty close friends now. And Billy still keeps his card as close to his chest as possible because this has happened before and he doesn't want it to happen again but-

“There was,” Billy starts. Steve perks up immediately. “One time.”

Steve makes a hand motion like ‘and??’

Billy looks at him, cringes at himself a little and keeps talking. “We were friends.”   
“Oof.” 

“Yeah.”

“What happened?”

Billy swallows, mostly because he. Can't say. He can't tell Steve what happened, not in honest to god detail. Can't tell Steve about the kind of friendship that you knew wasn't  _ just _ friendship as soon as you got away from it. Can’t explain why even though they weren't together, being with anyone else felt like cheating. Can't explain-

“Dunno.” Billy chose his words carefully. “I mean, we kissed a couple times-” that was true, they had. “But it. Didn’t work out. We uh, just stayed friends.” They hadn't even really been friends by the end of it. 

“Dude,” Billy looked up to see Steve with a look of utmost sympathy. “You fucking  _ kissed  _ and she just wanted to be friends?”

Right. _ She.  _

“Yep.”

“That’s cold.”

Billy shrugged. 

“What, you don’t care?”

“I don’t care about anything,” Billy played it like a joke. 

“Did you love her?”

Love. See that was the hard part. Billy didn't know if it had been love. Because, in songs, in sonnets, love is like a butterfly, or a piece of chocolate, like a perfect storm or breathing underwater. But whatever Billy had found, it wasn't like that. It was a dying thing, nosedive since it started, made him feel sick, even if he tried to convince himself it would make him feel better. 

Maybe it was just because of the kisses. 

“Maybe.”

Steve laughs.

Billy turners, just a little pissed. “What’s funny, pretty boy?”

Steve’s mouth twists, keeping the laugh in, “Just, you would know, if you did. So you probably didn’t.”

“What do you mean ‘I would know’?” Billy sits up, pushes Steve’s arm like he’s gonna shove Steve out of his stupid poolside chair. 

“You just know, okay! You know when you love someone. You wouldn't say ‘maybe’.”

“Because you’re such an expert-”

“I am!-”

Billy succeeds in pushing Steve out of his chair. Steve kicks him in the leg. Billy gets up to act like he's gonna throw Steve into the pool which only makes Steve laugh. 

Billy thinks maybe that's it. He really dodged a bullet too, because Steve didn’t pry enough to ask for a name, didn't ask for a timeframe, none of that. Wasn't any closer to finding out anything that would make him bail on Billy. Nothing that would get Billy in any trouble. 

But it just sort of made Billy stew in the whole thing for the rest of the night. 

The not-love that he’d had. How, like, passionate it had been. How terrible. How it made him vow never to let a pretty boy close to him again, made him push Steve away hard as he could. 

He’d failed at that pretty spectacularly now. 

Especially like, right now, here on the floor of Steve's room, with the radio on real low and Steve without his shirt on because Billy  _ had _ ended up pushing him into the pool only to be dragged in after him and both of them had to change-

But Steve said he was too warm, always got that deep pink flush in his cheeks, down his chest, when he got drunk enough. 

They had dragged Steve's blankets onto the floor, though, because where Steve was warm, Billy was freezing. He wasn't used to Indiana weather yet. 

Billy swore he could feel the warmth of Steve's skin rolling off him in waves. But maybe that was just the fifth- sixth?- beer talking. He should have eaten more today, wouldn't have been so fucked up by now. Fucked up enough to ask-

“How did you know?”

The words feel like an effort to say, so he doesn't really know why he says them.

“Hm?” Steve’s exhale of breath somehow makes it to Billy's skin, pushes across his cheek, makes him just a little bit warmer for a split second. 

Steve’s carpet is so soft against the backs of Billy's legs “How did you know you were in love?”

Billy’s been avoiding looking at Steve, just in case, but he looks over now, and Steve's eyes are closed.

Dark brown lashes over porcelain skin in the moonlight. “Like I said, I just knew.”

Billy can just stare. Stare all he wants at the guy he never wants to stop looking at. “What’s the knowing like?”

Steve rolls onto his side- he’s closer to Billy now. He opens his eyes, presses his palm into one of them like he’s trying to kick his brain into gear to explain. “It’s like, um. Being hungry I guess? But, then like, eating as soon as you realize you're hungry. No thats stupid.”   
Billy hadn’t thought it was stupid. 

“It’s like when you wanna kiss someone.” Steve started up again, and Billy blood froze.

“You know, how, you don’t even think ‘I wanna kiss them’ you just. Want it. And  _ then _ you think it? It’s like that. But uh, on like, a fucking spiritual level or whatever.” Steve laughs at the last part. 

He’s so warm. He’s inched closer and he’s knees almost touch Billy’s and he’s… so warm. 

Billy wants to know what that’s like. Desperately. More than anything actually, if he’s being honest with himself, which he’s too drunk not to do. He wants that. Wants-

“How do you know if they love you back?”

“I mean, you don’t.” Steve snags some of Billy's blankets to tug over his own legs. “That's the fucked up part. I guess if you’re dating you can kinda guess? But look where that got me, right?”

Steve looks a little sad at the end of that. Not even bitter. Just sad. 

“I think maybe  _ I was _ in love.” Billy exhaled. Said it quick enough to be casual. “But I’m not sure if it was. Mutual.”

Steve sighs. “I’m sorry.”

Billy pulls a face. “The fuck are you sorry for.”

“I just know how that is.” Steve moves his hand to squeeze Billy's forearm. But then he just sort of, leaves his hand there. Holding Billy's arm. Under the covers. 

Silence again. Billy prays it's not awkward. Prays Steve doesn't think he’s being weird. Thinks how he’s so sleepy but Steve's hand on his arm makes him feel electric. How badly he wants to feel the thing Steve is describing.    
Steve breaks the silence. “You’re staying over, right?”

“Was planning on it.”

“Good.” Steve lets go of Billy's arm, sits up a little. “I like you being here.”

And Billy's sure he only says it cause he’s drunk but, “I like being here.”

Maybe it's because he’s drunk. Maybe it’s because they were talking about love of all fucking things. Or maybe it's just because Steve is obviously really really lonely. Just like Billy's lonely. 

But there isn't a shred of hesitation in the movement when Steve leans down, closes the few inches of space between them and kisses Billy. 

Instantly. Billy feels warm all over. Steve’s lips are warm, his mouth, his breath. His face is warm where Billy reaches up both hands to hold it. Steve tastes like the pizza they ordered and the whipped cream he was eating out of the canister earlier and they don’t make a great combined taste but the kiss is amazing. Billy tugs Steve down into it, desperate, wants as much as he can have- because he probably doesn't have much. 

Steve is drunk. And lonely. 

History will repeat itself and no matter how many kisses Billy can get in in the next hour or so before they fall asleep-

They’ll just be friends. 

  
  


Steve is so happy when Billy kisses him back, he thinks he’s going to die. Like legitimately, he'll have a heart attack or something and when he gets to heaven- or hell, shit this might land him in hell huh- someone’s gonna ask him how he died and he’s gonna get to say he had the best kiss of his life and it knocked him on his ass. 

What a way to go. 

Steve really thought he went too far talking about love and junk, trying to get as close to Billy as possible without scaring him away, thought for a while that, you know, maybe. 

And finally. Yeah. 

He wasn't sure how long they ended up making out for- a couple hours?- only that very shortly after they had the brilliant idea of getting on Steve’s bed, they fell asleep anyway. 

Sleeping was a  _ waste  _ of time as far as Steve was concerned. Why sleep when he could have more kisses? More kisses from a guy he’d liked for months, had finally come to terms with liking a few weeks ago, was really hoping that  _ maybe _ , because you know he was dumb but he wasn't stupid, and he’d been so lonely, but being around billy was just what he needed at any given time.

It was really what he needed right now. Because he woke up, sat up, and Billy was gone. 

Billy had done that a few times before when he’d slept over. Just vanished before Steve woke up. But it was usually fine because he’d tell Steve “I’m gonna dip when I wake up’ and Steve slept like a rock when he actually managed it. 

But Billy hadn't said anything last night. 

He’d just left. 

And Steve had been sort of hoping they could… talk. Not like Billy ever really talked about anything but. Dunno. If Billy didn't want to talk, maybe Steve could have just made them breakfast and they could sit in silence and then Steve could think about, I dunno, movies they could go see together. Who cares. Not Steve, no siree. 

Last night was Friday night, and now it’s Saturday morning. If Steve wanted to see Billy, he’d have to wait till Monday. And by Monday maybe it’d be weird. Doubt crept into Steve’s head, like maybe Billy had been too drunk, maybe he’d misread the kissing somehow. 

Maybe Steve was just wrong again. About what he thought he knew.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Max! How, uh, how are you?”

“Calling for Billy?”   
“Yeah, I am. Is he home?”

Steve hears Max pull the phone away from her ear and yell Billy's name into the house. A tinny ’what?’ can be heard in reply.

Shuffling. A short, muffled argument, which put Steve on edge. 

“Dude, you can’t just call randomly,” is the first thing Billy says, and the ‘dude’ throws Steve a little, but he nobly plows on to say, 

“Sorry, I just uh. I was thinking maybe. You know. We could talk?”

“We are talking.”

“Whatever, just, are you free right now? We can meet somewhere.”

Like the quarry. They met there all the time, just, not during the day usually. 

Billy’s response was non committal. Steve hoped he’d show anyway. 

Steve was leaning on the hood of his car flexing his fingers in the spring cold for ten whole minutes before Billy showed up. 

He even parked farther away than normal, walked up to Steve without even really looking up at him, stopped a little farther away, like they weren't recent best friends who had definitely made out the night before. Like they might have been strangers. 

“Hey.” Steve tried. His voice croaked a little.

“Hi.” Billy was unreadable. 

“I thought we should talk.”

“So you’ve said.”

Steve’s stomach was in knots. “If you don’t wanna be here-”

“Didn’t say that.”

Steve frowned. “Look, I just wanted to talk-”

“So you can tell me how you’re not a fag and we can;’ be friends anymore?” Billy looked up quickly, bite in his tone, fire in his eyes. It made Steve tense all over. “Or do I get to keep being  _ graced _ with your presence-”

“No.” Steve says, very fairly, trying and failing to keep a hint of anger out of his voice. “That’s not what I was gonna say, dipshit. I was gonna say I like you and I don’t wanna just be friends. And if you don’t want that then that's fine but just say so. Because I don’t wanna get dragged around again.”

Billy’s expression doesn't change, but he doesn't say anything back.    
“Jesus, man. I mean, I hoped you’d think fucking better of me than that. Sure, you know, this-” Steve gestures between them. “Kinda freaks me out but. I dunno. I- I really like you.” Steve shoves both hands deep in his pockets. 

Steve can almost watch the words bubble up in Billy chest when he blurts out “I really like you too.” Like it causes him physical pain. Kinda makes Steve want to laugh. Kinda makes him really really sad. 

All the sunlight shining through the trees is grey. 

“I just. I don’t want it to be like before.” Billy manages. Steve can tell he’s really honest to god trying. 

“Before?”

“Yeah, that. The thing I was telling you about last night.”

“Your friend you liked?”

“Yeah, he-” Billy winced a little at his own words. “He kissed me. A couple times. And sometimes it kinda felt like maybe we were together. But most of the time he would pretend like, I dunno, like it was nothing.”

That clicked for steve. Billy was just trying not to let the past repeat itself. Same thing Steve was doing. 

Same stupid fucking fear. 

Steve realized he must have been making a face when Billy looked up and went “what?”

“That guy’s a dick.” Steve said plainly, and without thinking. Which made Billy relax just a little. 

Steve sat up off the hood of his car, walked a little closer to Billy, tilted his head a little forward, looked at his shoes and just kind of put himself in Billy’s space. “And I’m kind of jealous probably, but that’s still really fucked up.”

“So is leading someone on for a year and then cheating on them.” 

That made Steve smile. “Yeah.”

They sort of just stood for a bit. In each other’s space. 

“This isn't nothing, you know.” Steve murmured. Like maybe the trees were eavesdropping on them. “Even, you know, before. Not nothing.”

Billy leaned his head against STeve’s for one brief moment. Then pulled away. “Not nothing.” He repeated. 


End file.
